Wow....

So I sat down with my two youngest kids yesterday and had a talk with them.

I apologized for all the times I've ignored them because I'd been drinking, and for all the times I got annoyed and angry with them for trying to get me to pay attention to them. I told them that they are the most important people in my life, that I love them with all my heart, and that I'm going to try to be a better mom to them.

They forgave me. They said, "At least you're not drinking anymore, Mom. Things will be better now." And they both hugged me.

Then I told them that part of my trying to be a better mom will include something called YAMA time (You And Me Alone time). Each child will have my undivided attention for 15 minutes a day, just the two of us, doing whatever activity that child chooses.

You would've thought I'd handed them each a million dollars. They each hugged me tightly, saying, "Thanks, Mom! That's the best present ever! Really? I get you all to myself? Wow, Mom! Thanks so much!" It made me feel great that they were so happy, but at the same time it made me feel like crap.

How neglected and unloved have these kids felt??? It breaks my heart to think that my kids felt unwanted and unimportant. When 15 minutes of my time seems like Christmas morning to them, what does that say about me as a mother?

I am so grateful that these children aren't holding a grudge, and that they're willing to give me another chance. I'm not going to blow this one.