These steps!

1. Admit that I am powerless over alcohol, and that my life has become unmanagable.
Check.
2. Come to believe that a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.
Ummmmmmm.....
3. Make a decision to turn my will and my life over to God as I understand him.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Yes, I am powerless over alcohol. Yes, my life is unmanageable.

Yes. I believe there is a God. Obviously my Lone Ranger status has not been working wonders for me, and I most likely need a hell of a lot more help than mere mortals can offer.

Turn everything over to God "as I understand him?" Okay, now we have a problem. See, I DON'T understand God. There was a time I thought I did, thought he and I were on the same page, and then I decided to study theology. Now I know nothing, understand nothing. God and I have not been on speaking terms for MORE THAN TWO YEARS. How do I turn everything over when my faith is shot and I am distrustful of everything religious? How am I to be expected to hand over control to a God who is fine with letting people run about willy-nilly, spouting whatever sounds good at the time?

Telling me to go back to the Bible opens up a whole new can of worms. After spending two years picking apart the Canon, how it was formed, how it was translated, etc... you have no idea how very skeptical I am of the fact that The Bible as we know it is truly the living, immutable Word of God.

So, tell me this... how do I continue this journey in this vein? Do I remain stuck here until I come to some profound, divine revelation, or do I try to crawl under the radar of this part of it? Or do I accept that God is not my Higher Power at this point and choose a proxy?

I want to figure this out, I really do. How do I "Let go and let God" when I've turned my back and mistrusted him for years?

I want to dive into this stuff, really do the steps, really work the program, really recover... but I'm so stuck on this ONE HOOK!!!