Today I feel...

Present. Intentional.

Does that sound weird? I feel like I'm more "here" today than I've been in a long time. I feel more aware of my surroundings, more aware of who surrounds me.

I feel more intentional in my interactions with the human beings around me. I am making more of an attempt to connect on a positive, gentle, "real" level.

Last night when we were doing our devotionals, Mike read this statement: "So we think, so we are." That got me thinking. If I am thinking mean and sarcastic, if I am thinking about others in a superior, belittling way, no matter what I think I am projecting, I am probably projecting this negative way of thinking. I like thinking mean things, I won't deny that. But I never intend to hurt or demean anyone with my evil thought life. It honestly didn't occur to me that people might be able to read me no matter how well I think I am hiding my thoughts or feelings.

I am making an effort to intentionally appreciate the good in people today. Even people I don't necessarily like. I am looking hard to find something to appreciate in the people who bug the crap out of me. This is not like me.

Could this be God showing me that He's still willing to work on me? Maybe. I think I probably need a bigger sign than a lowering desire to think mean things, if that's the case.

I know that my coworkers don't think that I appreciate them. I've recently figured this out. So, this week, I've been making an effort to take each home health aide aside to tell them privately what I like about them, and that I appreciate the hard work they do. I think it's a start. I know I have a long way to go, but it's a start.

I'm seeing my doc again in about an hour. I'm going to ask if she can give me anything to stop this incessant itching. Stupid liver. Also, I really think I'm ready to leave the Ativan out during the day, and just use it to sleep at night for a little while longer. We'll see what she says.

Anyhow, still sober, still learning the steps, still going to meetings, still trying to rendezvous with my Higher Power.