Day 1

Last night Mike and I said goodbye to alcohol, and let me tell you, we did it in our usual style.

We went to our usual licka stow and got 2 bottles of wine. Not the usual $3 Tisdale that we've come to love... no, we went with a nice Palo Alto and our favorite Fuego. Here's the stupid thing: walking up to the counter, I started tearing up a little. Over Wine. It felt like some kind of bittersweet breakup. Mike rubbed my back and said we'd be just fine, but I couldn't keep it together. I went out to the car to wait. I felt so stupid. This is going to be a lot harder than I thought.

We enjoyed our last 2 bottles on wine by the roaring yule log on TV. I don't remember a whole lot... just good conversation, good wine and quiet.

Then somehow I went into the kitchen, fell, and dented the dishwasher with my head. Tadaaaaaa!!!!! See??? THIS is why I can't drink anymore.

It sucked, but it was like putting an exclamation mark on the end of a sentence: "And now you are DONE!!!" Tadaaaaaa!!!!

There are other reasons I can't drink: my liver is enlarged and damaged. My labs are all out of whack because of poor nutrition, mainly because I would often rather drink than eat. My fibromyalgia is out of control, and my doc can't get it under control while I'm drinking. I have to go back to school to get my RN in order to keep my job, and I won't pass if I'm loaded. I have risked getting picked up for DUI more times than I can count... I'm just one of the lucky few who never got caught. I've said things and done things under the influence that I would never in a million years have said or done sober. Things of which I am deeply ashamed.

Mainly, I want control of my life back. I hate forgetting entire conversations, even forgetting that I saw someone at the bar and talked for an hour. I hate knowing Mike and I made love the night before, but not remembering. I hate knowing that Mike had to put me to bed because I passed out. I hate thinking about the time I've lost with my kids. I hate driving to work every day with a hangover. I hate getting the shakes every day around noon. I hate knowing that my life revolves around that next drink. I am a control freak, and I am not okay with this much of my life having escaped my control. I want it all back.

Here are my fears on Day One: Can I do this? Will I fail miserably? Will the physical withdrawal kick my ass? How am I going to make time for AA meetings with all the things going on in my life? Will I still be funny? Will I still be likable? Will I still be attractive? Will I be interesting? Will I still find life interesting, funny and fun? Will I be less tolerant of others if I don't have the booze to take the edge off?

That Big Book stares me in the face all the time... I want to start reading it, but something is holding me back. Is it fear? I think it is. I want to go to a meeting today, but just don't know how I'm going to swing it with the kids. I suppose I could ask the ex to keep them a little while longer today.... but that doesn't seem fair.... although, someone at the meeting I went to on Friday said, "Sobriety comes first. Always." I'll have to think about that one.

So, for today I am sober. For today I'm not going to drink. Today I'm going to "work the steps," as the AA folks say, even though I'm not sure what those steps entail.