Hi. My name is Donna, and I'm an alcoholic.

Hardest words I've ever said out loud. Words that brought out all my shame, self-hatred, embarrassment, fear, insecurity. Control freaks like myself don't like to admit we can't control things. We'd rather die than be at the mercy of someone/something else. Yet, here I stand, forced to admit that I am powerless over alcohol, and that my life has become unmanagable.

I'd been feeling for weeks that I wanted to stop drinking. I knew alcohol was controlling me, not the other way around. I'd go to parties and drink until I did or said something foolish or just passed out. I could never have just a couple drinks. I slammed the booze until it was gone or I got cut off, or I passed out. I drank alone, I drank with friends, I drank with strangers, I just DRANK.

My first thought every day on my way to work was wondering how long it would take for my hangover to go away, and if anyone would be able to smell booze oozing out of my pores. The rest of the day, my next drink was always in the back of my mind. I couldn't wait to get home and slam that first beer to stop my hands from shaking.

The shakes usually started around lunch time, and progressively got worse until I got home and started drinking again. I'd feel jumpy, sick to my stomach, and just overall miserable.

The final straw for me was the night I got wasted and fell into the Christmas tree. Ornaments everywhere, bent branches, crushed boxes. My wonderful boyfriend, Mike, cleaned up after me and made sure everything was back to normal. He and I were the only ones who knew what happened. However, the idea that I could've wrecked Christmas for my hopeful, innocent children make me sick to my stomach. How do you explain to a child that her keepsake ornament from her dead grandma is cracked, and the present she so carefully picked out for her Daddy, wrapped and put under the tree, is destroyed because Drunk Mom got a little wild? Luckily, neither of those things happened, but the "what if" was killing me. I kept picturing my kids' sad looks of disappointment, and it made me want to throw up.

So I went to my doctor last week for help. I know I will never stop drinking without help, and I knew that if I went to Jeanne she would hold me accountable and help me quit. She helped me formulate a plan: Ativan 3 times a day to control the shakes, Buspar to control the depression that will hit once all the alcohol is out of my system, and weaning off alcohol slowly over a few days to avoid hallucinations and convulsions. Along with that, a meeting with a chemical dependency counselor to research my treatment options, and Alcoholics Anonymous.

I've been weaning down the booze, have done everything she told me to do. I've been to 2 AA meetings, and even bought the Big Book. I met with the counselor, who recommended a chem eval and outpatient treatment, which I am looking into.

Where is Mike in all this? Right alongside me. My wonderful man has also come to the conclusion that his drinking is out of control, and we are walking this road together. He went to an AA meting with me last night, and it was a really good experience for both of us.

So tonight we are saying goodbye to alcohol. We are buying one last good bottle of wine, savoring it together, and then turning our backs on alcohol once and for all. We are nervous and scared, but we both know we have each other.

I'm taking the first step on this long journey, and I don't know exactly where it will lead. All I know is that I will try my best to be brutally honest, and I will try, as always, to keep my evil sense of humor alive. Wish me Bon Voyage, and don't get too far behind... you just might miss something!