Day 2 - Ativan and Hot Tea

This is the longest I've gone without alcohol in my system in several years. Thanks to my new best friend, Ativan, and Buspar the Bouncer, the nausea, vomiting, violent shaking and hallucinations I experienced the last time I tried to quit aren't happening. As soon as I start to get twitchy, nervous or agitated I just pop a 1/2 tab and all's right with the world.

Today my son woke up hurling, so he couldn't go to school. Consequentially, I couldn't go to work. I was bummed, because I can't afford the lost wages, but it also allowed me time to make some calls about treatment and get some stuff put into place.

One, I am definitely not even doing facility-based outpatient treatment. That will run me $1000 BEFORE my insurance kicks in, and I would have to have the cash up front! Like who has a cool grand laying around their house for just such an occasion??? Not someone who would rather drink than eat, I can tell you that. so ix-nay to treatment.

However, I made a couple other calls and found out that I can get office-based chemical dependency counseling for just the office copay cost. Yeah, I'd much rather shell out $30 per session than shell out a grand I don't even have! My first appointment is next week.

I also asked the wonderful lady who took me to my first AA meeting if she'd sponsor me, and she said she would. I think she and I have a lot in common as far as where we are in life with kids/career/relationships etc, except that she's way more sober than I am. I'm looking forward to getting to know her and learning from her.

Tonight I'm going to another AA meeting. The kids can tag along... there's a great room with vending machines and couches and such... I figure they can bring their Game Boys and books and entertain themselves for an hour...

Last night...

Last night was strange. Mike and I put the kids to bed as usual, turned on the Yule Log on TV as usual, dimmed the lights... but there were no glasses of wine to reach for. We weren't sure how to start out the conversation without it. This was a big, scary first. I ended up making hot tea, just so we'd have a beverage to sip on. We got out our Big Books and read Bill's Story out loud and then discussed it. In case you don't know, Bill was one of the founders of AA. It talked about all the times he decided to quit, only to end up with a drink in his hand and a load of troubles to clean up. The story detailed how he finally figured out how to kick booze for good, and how these ideas have helped millions do the same. It was an inspiring read.

Then Mike and I talked about the things we're afraid of in living sober. My fears are not being as funny or interesting, not being as bold or daring, and losing that connection with Mike... my fear that those late night conversations that keep us so in tune with one another might not happen, or may feel forced. He fears not having the power to say no when around the drinking side of the family. He's afraid of having to explain the fact that he's an alcoholic to his relatives. Those aren't conversations I'm relishing either.

I wonder how well Mike will do this whole thing... I'm encouraging him to find a sponsor, but it's hard for him to get to meetings and appointments since he can't drive yet. I think maybe he's holding off until he has more freedom to get around, or maybe he's just not as gung-ho about making this change as I am. One of my fears is that he's doing it more for me than for himself, since I have health issues caused by my drinking. I really hope that's not the case, because it could eventually drive us apart. I really want him to succeed, for himself, not for me.

Anyway, we talked until about 11:30, and then I had to ask him a very strange question: "What time do we usually go to bed?" See, I pretty much passed out every night for the past two years, and Mike put me to bed, so I honestly had no idea. He chuckled and answered, "Usually right about now." I actually remember turning off lights, getting ready for bed, climbing under the covers and finding the man I love and snuggling up with his arms around me. So ordinary, but in so many ways, so new. Saying goodnight, saying I love you, kissing goodnight before sleep finds you. I think this is the way it's supposed to be.

I wonder where my friend Alice's recipe for Russian Tea is? I think it may replace Tisdale Shiraz as our late-night conversation drink. I think I'll go look for it...

Day 2, still sober, starting to put a plan into place.