Get this:

I'm allergic to one of the anti-anxiety drugs I've been taking! I mentioned to my doc that I have horrible nightmares every night, and that I itch all over all the time. She told me it's the stupid Buspar!!! Dammit!!! So she took me off that and put me on good ol' Trazodone for sleep. Trazodone and I have a long history... it usually works well for me. Last night I had total nightmares, and I was FREEZING all night. Poor Mike... I was trying hard to leach heat from him all night long. I think he was hanging off the edge of the bed a little cuz I kept trying to get closer.

I met with my sponsor last night after my meeting... what a great woman she is. I really think she is a good fit for me to walk me through the steps of AA and help me learn how to live sober.

Today I saw my chemical dependency counselor for the first time. I was totally, brutally honest about my alcohol use, and I made no excuses. She asked me what I am grieving, and I kind of lost it.

Know what I grieve? All the time I've lost to alcohol. All the memories. All the time with my wonderful kids. All the late-night conversations with my Love. All the time when I could've and should've been present, savoring every moment with my family, and instead all I cared about was drinking. That's what I'm mourning. That's what I've lost, and it's my own fault.

I can never get that time back, but I can start over and try to rebuild my relationships. That's what I'll be starting to work on as I work the steps to sobriety.

Another alcohol-free day, another day to learn and grow.