Day 5

And now the depression sets in. The dreaded emotional volatility I've been warned of. The crying at the drop of a hat over things that shouldn't matter.

Last night I was trying to tell Mike about my doctor's visit and about my fears about the mounting costs and co-pays on the way to the grocery store. There's a stupid 4-way stoplight right by Rainblow that is ALWAYS empty at 9:30 at night, so I frequently just coast through it. As I'm trying to talk to Mike, I coast through the light as usual, and he interrupts me and makes a comment about the fact that I ran the red light again. Well, I lost it.

I clammed up, started to cry, and cried on and off for the rest of the night. I just felt despondent and depressed.

This all seems so stupid... even now, writing about it, knowing how ridiculous it all sounds, I'm tearing up. He apologized and everything last night, but I'm still a snotting, whining mess.

Last night my doctor called me "fragile." That's hardly a word most people would use to describe me. I didn't like the sound of it, and I still don't. The thing that sucks is that, right now, it's an entirely accurate description. I am an emotional mess. An overly-sensitive, touchy, weepy, irritable, vulnerable, weak, snot-dripping, chin-quivering, whining emotional mess. Yuck.

Poor Mike... he's going through the whole withdrawal thing too, but he's handling things much better than I am. I hate that he has to deal with my issues on top of his own stuff. He told me that his way of getting through cravings is to think about me and my failing liver, and how it's so much worse for me than for him. That's not okay with me. He should be thinking of himself, taking care of himself, not putting himself second to me. I should be supporting him, not wallowing in my own "fragility."

We're going to our home group AA meeting tonight. Maybe I'll get some gleaning of wisdom on how to work through this crappiness without dragging my boyfriend down into Snot City with me.

Today I am not drinking. I am a whimpering mess, but I am a sober whimpering mess.