Hmmmmmm.....

So my chem dep counselor is suggesting that I may have ADD. Funny, I would never have thought of myself as an ADD type... but she says that even my freakish organizational skills and anal-retentive nature could very well be my way of coping with ADD.

So I guess I'll let her test me and see what comes up... what if I end up on Ritalin or something???

While we're at it, may not be a bad idea to test Mike too.....

One Month

As of yesterday, Mike and I have been sober for one month. Yay us.

I tried that Addiction and Recovery Bible Study last Saturday... soooooo not for me. It was totally geared for people who have several years of sobriety under their belts and are sponsoring newcomers. The leader even went so far as to poke fun at newcomers for being "honeymooners" and "pink cloud people," meaning that we're so enamored with our new found sobriety that we lose touch with reality and are sure to relapse, and hit bottom hard. He went on and on about how none of his sponsees have stayed sober, and about how the more excited a newcomer is about their sobriety, the more likely he/she is to crash and burn. I was actually quite offended. I thought the guy was kind of an arrogant prick. I wanted to ask if he's ever considered the fact that his sponsees are more likely to relapse because of his own obvious douchebaggery.

His study sucked ass to boot. His Scripture references had nothing to do with his proposed topic. He rambled, got off topic, whatever the hell his topic was supposed to be, and basically ended up trying to seem super cool and special, as in, "God gave me a great gift in my ability to preach, and I'm here to share my gift with you." Yeah, Dillhole... I got your gift right here. I could've taught a more comprehensive, meaningful Bible study falling-down drunk.

And just being in the church in a capacity other than to pick up my kids made my skin crawl. Needless to say, I did not go on Sunday morning. I just could not muster it up.

Bad Christian? Yeah, probably. Am I apologizing? Hell no I'm not. Not ready is not ready. When I am ready, and that means when the thought of sitting through a Sunday morning service doesn't cause me to hyperventilate and feel like hurling, I'll get off my ass and go to church. I'll be the one who sneaks in ten minutes late, sits in the back corner with sunglasses on the whole time, and leaves the second the closing hymn starts. You'll know me by the lightning rod strapped to my back.

I know of a few people who will read this and sadly shake their heads at my spiritual depravity. Pardon my French, but those people can bite me.

Not a great day.

I started taking Campral, which is supposed to keep my cravings for alcohol down. Here's why Campral sucks:
1. It costs $35/month because there is no generic. Ouch.
2. They have to be taken 3 times a day, which puts a monkey-wrench in the flow of my day.
3. Apparently, they make me depressed, anxious, weepy, with acute feelings of dread and inability to cope. I've been crying over stupid stuff that would've rolled off my back last week, freaking out about things that I know, at heart, absolutely do not merit a freak out, and doubting everything I know.

I know it's the Campral, because nothing has happened in my life this weekend to suddenly make me take this horrible, snotty, whiny, helpless turn.

My doc told me to stop taking it immediately. She'll call me tomorrow to see what else, if anything, needs to be done. In the meantime, however, I just want to curl up on my couch in my pink flannel sock-monkey jammies with a blanket over my head and make the world go away.

My son just got suspended from school for five days for fighting. This is not the first time this has happened, but I definitely handled it differently this time. I started bawling on the phone with his teacher. I was horribly embarrassed... I hate, hate, mcHate crying in front of people. It makes me feel awkward, weak and messy. Yet I couldn't help it. I know it will all be handled, yet I just had this overwhelming feeling of defeat and despair. Then I sat and bawled at my desk for another 15 minutes once I got off the phone. So not like me.

Plus, on the back burner, I am starting to doubt my relationship with Mike. Since alcohol has been a large part of our relationship from the start, can we maintain it and grow it without booze? I really don't know. I'd like to try, but it seems so hard and kind of forced at this point. We don't know how to have fun together, be intimate or passionate, have interesting conversations, you name it without booze. We're like two strangers on an awkward first date. Do we really have what it takes to have a sober relationship? Are we right for each other when we're not in a drunken stupor? I'm seeing things in his personality that are starting to grate on me, and I can only assume he's seeing the same types of things in me.

Too many questions today. Too much to think about. I need to be quieted, soothed and stroked. With a blanket over my head, on my couch, wearing my pink flannel monkey jammies.

And some chocolate would help too.

Last week

I had a fabulous week with my kids.

My alone time with my youngest son was spent either being tutored in Godzilla Unleashed for PS2, or watching ghost hunting shows with his head on my lap and me rubbing his head. My time with my youngest daughter was spent playing Cooked or Be Cooked, Bowling or Golf on the Wii. Both kids were calmer, happier and better behaved than I've seen them in a long time. Hell, I was calmer, happier and better behaved than I've been in a long time.

On Friday, my little girl told me she's much happier to come home to me now that I'm not drinking. I'm much happier, too.

Maybe too happy. Is there such a thing???

I seem to have this freakish joy that just bubbles over all day. Even when my day is kinda crappy, I can find something to be happy about. There are a few people at work who are looking at me strangely, like I have a booger hanging from my nose or a huge zit between my eyes. I can assure you, I have neither. I check multiple times a day. But it's that, "Okay, there's something going on here, but I'm afraid it may be a huge breach of etiquette to ask you why you're grinning like a demented jack-o-lantern" look. Maybe I need to tone it down a notch... I wonder if I could....

I feel different. People are telling me I'm different. I'd love to know just how I've changed, but I'm afraid to ask.

I feel an overwhelming need to deepen my reconnection with God. I'm considering trying out an addiction/recovery Bible study this weekend. I'm even considering showing up for church on Sunday. (Crap... did I just hear thunder rolling in the distance???)We'll see what happens. Even though faith is nothing new to me, it's harder to find this time.

As for my health, I'm sleeping well, eating okay, and physically feeling much better. I've been off Ativan for a week or so, and I'm following the strict vitamin/mineral regemin my doctor prescribed. I've been trying to keep up with the Wii Fit, although I missed most of last week because I wanted to spend time with the kids instead. According to the Wii balance board (what an annoying voice that thing has), I've lost a couple pounds. This is a good thing. I have to lose about 7 more to reach my fitness goal, but I have another month to work on that. As I write this, I'm eating stale Twizzlers... I suppose that really doesn't help much.

Next Wednesday I will have been sober for 30 days. It seems so unreal. I haven't gone this long without drinking in YEARS. It feels really good to be present each and every day. Thank you, God, for this new lease on life.

Wow....

So I sat down with my two youngest kids yesterday and had a talk with them.

I apologized for all the times I've ignored them because I'd been drinking, and for all the times I got annoyed and angry with them for trying to get me to pay attention to them. I told them that they are the most important people in my life, that I love them with all my heart, and that I'm going to try to be a better mom to them.

They forgave me. They said, "At least you're not drinking anymore, Mom. Things will be better now." And they both hugged me.

Then I told them that part of my trying to be a better mom will include something called YAMA time (You And Me Alone time). Each child will have my undivided attention for 15 minutes a day, just the two of us, doing whatever activity that child chooses.

You would've thought I'd handed them each a million dollars. They each hugged me tightly, saying, "Thanks, Mom! That's the best present ever! Really? I get you all to myself? Wow, Mom! Thanks so much!" It made me feel great that they were so happy, but at the same time it made me feel like crap.

How neglected and unloved have these kids felt??? It breaks my heart to think that my kids felt unwanted and unimportant. When 15 minutes of my time seems like Christmas morning to them, what does that say about me as a mother?

I am so grateful that these children aren't holding a grudge, and that they're willing to give me another chance. I'm not going to blow this one.

TWO WEEKS SOBER TODAY!!!!

That's right. Neither Mike nor I have had a drink in TWO WEEKS. This is huge.

I've gotten through Step Three in my workbook, where I read something that really helps me grasp the idea of surrendering my will to God. It says that Step Three is simply being willing to give control of my will and my life to God. The actual surrender comes slowly as I work through the next eight steps. Okay, that I can handle. I can handle turning over a little at a time. I am willing. Three steps down, nine to go.

The next one scares the crap out of me. It involves taking a fearless, honest moral inventory. Crap. I am a degenerate... an honest inventory could take a damn long time. It will be volumes of character flaws that need to go away. And I will probably feel bad about myself in the process. I don't like feeling bad about myself.

One downfall of not drinking: I am so frickin' HUNGRY. When I was drinking, I rarely ate. I had liquid breakfasts on the weekends, no breakfast during the week, and liquid dinners almost every night. Now I am starving. I've gained a pound or two, which is entirely unacceptable. I have a damned muffin top. Yuck. I've been working out on our Wii Fit, which hopefully will help. Today my abs are burning from Super Hula Hoop, and my arms are burning from Rhythmic Boxing. I actually worked up a sweat for the first time in a long time. Doing actual exercise, anyway.

I'm picking up my little ones in about an hour. I'm excited to see them. I miss them. This is a far cry from when I was drinking; then they mainly annoyed me because they harshed my buzz. I feel bad about those times. I know I can't erase them, but I can start over and try to be a better mom. I hope my kids will forgive me enough to let me try.

Anyhow, 2 weeks sober and not looking back, except to make that damned moral inventory.....

Get this:

I'm allergic to one of the anti-anxiety drugs I've been taking! I mentioned to my doc that I have horrible nightmares every night, and that I itch all over all the time. She told me it's the stupid Buspar!!! Dammit!!! So she took me off that and put me on good ol' Trazodone for sleep. Trazodone and I have a long history... it usually works well for me. Last night I had total nightmares, and I was FREEZING all night. Poor Mike... I was trying hard to leach heat from him all night long. I think he was hanging off the edge of the bed a little cuz I kept trying to get closer.

I met with my sponsor last night after my meeting... what a great woman she is. I really think she is a good fit for me to walk me through the steps of AA and help me learn how to live sober.

Today I saw my chemical dependency counselor for the first time. I was totally, brutally honest about my alcohol use, and I made no excuses. She asked me what I am grieving, and I kind of lost it.

Know what I grieve? All the time I've lost to alcohol. All the memories. All the time with my wonderful kids. All the late-night conversations with my Love. All the time when I could've and should've been present, savoring every moment with my family, and instead all I cared about was drinking. That's what I'm mourning. That's what I've lost, and it's my own fault.

I can never get that time back, but I can start over and try to rebuild my relationships. That's what I'll be starting to work on as I work the steps to sobriety.

Another alcohol-free day, another day to learn and grow.