One Year

Hi there. Remember me? I'm still here.

Today I have been a sober, recovering alcoholic for one year and five days. WOW. The past year has been so amazing.

I made it through the unemployment shit without drinking, and got a decent job at a home care company after only a month. I'm not real sure it's the job for me, but it's good money. That's a whole other story right there.

I took the time away from working to really get down and dirty about my recovery. I started working the really hard steps in earnest, and I learned a ton about myself and about my place in the world.

The biggest thing I've learned is this: It's not all about me.

It's about the people around me. It's about how my actions and attitudes affect others. It's about making a choice to be positive, loving and giving even when circumstances suck donkey ass. It's about loving others even when they are acting like buttheads. It's about speaking the truth with love and respect at all times, even when it's uncomfortable and maybe even dangerous.

I now know myself like never before. I understand what really motivates me and what makes me tick. I understand my triggers. I'm learning how to stop practicing my character defects and replace those behaviors with positive actions so that I'm able to solve problems instead of contributing to them.

I'm able to apologize when I'm wrong. I'm able to take responsibility for my actions and make amends to those I've hurt. I've repaired relationships that were thought to be beyond repair.

I am content, grounded, centered and serene. Yeah, sometimes life massively sucks, but I am equipped to accept circumstances for what they are and figure out what I need to do to make it through with optimism and grace.

How have I gotten to this point? Only with God's help.

In practicing the 12 steps with complete honesty and commitment, I've found that God never left me. He never turned his back or refused to save me. I walked away. I was the one who turned my back and refused his help, and look what relying on my own devices got me. Once I allowed God total access to my life, I learned how to turn my life over to God's care, to trust that he will act, to trust his kindness and his power, and to wait for his leading.

I spend time every day seeking God's direction, and he really does give me whatever I need to get through each day. When I'm craving a drink so badly that I can taste it, he takes that desire away and replaces it with something better if I ask him to. When I mess up and can't figure out how to fix it, he gives me the courage and discernment to do the right thing if I ask him to. He has become my comfort, my strength, my refuge, my friend. I know that, no matter what life brings or takes away, I will be okay.

There's a cute children's book called, "Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus!" In this book, there's a bus driver who asks the reader to watch his bus while he steps away, and tells us that, whatever we do, we should not let the pigeon drive the bus! As soon as he's gone, the pigeon comes along and starts begging to drive the bus. He gets pretty pissed off when he keeps getting denied. He thinks he'd be a fabulous driver, but we all know he would suck. He's a frickin' pigeon. He doesn't even have hands, for God's sake. This has become such a powerful image for me. The bus is my life, God is the bus driver, and I'm the frickin' pigeon.

I stopped trying to drive the bus. It turns out I'm a super shitty driver. I plowed my life's bus into a few proverbial snowbanks, and I'm pretty sure I ran over a few neighbors' cats on the way. For a long time I allowed God to maybe work the pedals or honk the horn, but my ass was firmly planted in that seat. Once I became willing to get out of that driver's seat and let God really drive the bus, life became so much simpler and so much more manageable. The the peace and serenity come from this one simple belief: WHEN I HONESTLY SEEK GOD'S WILL FOR MY LIFE AND ALLOW HIM TO WORK THROUGH ME AND IN SPITE OF ME, I AM ALWAYS ON THE RIGHT TRACK AND DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT TOMORROW. GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF ME.

God has done amazing things in my life, because I allow him to lead. I'm always excited to see what he'll do next. His ways are often surprising and baffling, but always incredible and perfect.

Man, I am loving life right now. I'm soaking it all in, savoring every minute, storing memories and experiences that will last a lifetime. With God's help I'm building and healing relationships. I have become a positive influence in the world around me.

I'm blown away by the events of the past year. I'm blown away by the incredible gift of life and sobriety that I've been given. The world is my oyster, baby. Bring it on.