Not a great day.

I started taking Campral, which is supposed to keep my cravings for alcohol down. Here's why Campral sucks:
1. It costs $35/month because there is no generic. Ouch.
2. They have to be taken 3 times a day, which puts a monkey-wrench in the flow of my day.
3. Apparently, they make me depressed, anxious, weepy, with acute feelings of dread and inability to cope. I've been crying over stupid stuff that would've rolled off my back last week, freaking out about things that I know, at heart, absolutely do not merit a freak out, and doubting everything I know.

I know it's the Campral, because nothing has happened in my life this weekend to suddenly make me take this horrible, snotty, whiny, helpless turn.

My doc told me to stop taking it immediately. She'll call me tomorrow to see what else, if anything, needs to be done. In the meantime, however, I just want to curl up on my couch in my pink flannel sock-monkey jammies with a blanket over my head and make the world go away.

My son just got suspended from school for five days for fighting. This is not the first time this has happened, but I definitely handled it differently this time. I started bawling on the phone with his teacher. I was horribly embarrassed... I hate, hate, mcHate crying in front of people. It makes me feel awkward, weak and messy. Yet I couldn't help it. I know it will all be handled, yet I just had this overwhelming feeling of defeat and despair. Then I sat and bawled at my desk for another 15 minutes once I got off the phone. So not like me.

Plus, on the back burner, I am starting to doubt my relationship with Mike. Since alcohol has been a large part of our relationship from the start, can we maintain it and grow it without booze? I really don't know. I'd like to try, but it seems so hard and kind of forced at this point. We don't know how to have fun together, be intimate or passionate, have interesting conversations, you name it without booze. We're like two strangers on an awkward first date. Do we really have what it takes to have a sober relationship? Are we right for each other when we're not in a drunken stupor? I'm seeing things in his personality that are starting to grate on me, and I can only assume he's seeing the same types of things in me.

Too many questions today. Too much to think about. I need to be quieted, soothed and stroked. With a blanket over my head, on my couch, wearing my pink flannel monkey jammies.

And some chocolate would help too.