One Year

Hi there. Remember me? I'm still here.

Today I have been a sober, recovering alcoholic for one year and five days. WOW. The past year has been so amazing.

I made it through the unemployment shit without drinking, and got a decent job at a home care company after only a month. I'm not real sure it's the job for me, but it's good money. That's a whole other story right there.

I took the time away from working to really get down and dirty about my recovery. I started working the really hard steps in earnest, and I learned a ton about myself and about my place in the world.

The biggest thing I've learned is this: It's not all about me.

It's about the people around me. It's about how my actions and attitudes affect others. It's about making a choice to be positive, loving and giving even when circumstances suck donkey ass. It's about loving others even when they are acting like buttheads. It's about speaking the truth with love and respect at all times, even when it's uncomfortable and maybe even dangerous.

I now know myself like never before. I understand what really motivates me and what makes me tick. I understand my triggers. I'm learning how to stop practicing my character defects and replace those behaviors with positive actions so that I'm able to solve problems instead of contributing to them.

I'm able to apologize when I'm wrong. I'm able to take responsibility for my actions and make amends to those I've hurt. I've repaired relationships that were thought to be beyond repair.

I am content, grounded, centered and serene. Yeah, sometimes life massively sucks, but I am equipped to accept circumstances for what they are and figure out what I need to do to make it through with optimism and grace.

How have I gotten to this point? Only with God's help.

In practicing the 12 steps with complete honesty and commitment, I've found that God never left me. He never turned his back or refused to save me. I walked away. I was the one who turned my back and refused his help, and look what relying on my own devices got me. Once I allowed God total access to my life, I learned how to turn my life over to God's care, to trust that he will act, to trust his kindness and his power, and to wait for his leading.

I spend time every day seeking God's direction, and he really does give me whatever I need to get through each day. When I'm craving a drink so badly that I can taste it, he takes that desire away and replaces it with something better if I ask him to. When I mess up and can't figure out how to fix it, he gives me the courage and discernment to do the right thing if I ask him to. He has become my comfort, my strength, my refuge, my friend. I know that, no matter what life brings or takes away, I will be okay.

There's a cute children's book called, "Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus!" In this book, there's a bus driver who asks the reader to watch his bus while he steps away, and tells us that, whatever we do, we should not let the pigeon drive the bus! As soon as he's gone, the pigeon comes along and starts begging to drive the bus. He gets pretty pissed off when he keeps getting denied. He thinks he'd be a fabulous driver, but we all know he would suck. He's a frickin' pigeon. He doesn't even have hands, for God's sake. This has become such a powerful image for me. The bus is my life, God is the bus driver, and I'm the frickin' pigeon.

I stopped trying to drive the bus. It turns out I'm a super shitty driver. I plowed my life's bus into a few proverbial snowbanks, and I'm pretty sure I ran over a few neighbors' cats on the way. For a long time I allowed God to maybe work the pedals or honk the horn, but my ass was firmly planted in that seat. Once I became willing to get out of that driver's seat and let God really drive the bus, life became so much simpler and so much more manageable. The the peace and serenity come from this one simple belief: WHEN I HONESTLY SEEK GOD'S WILL FOR MY LIFE AND ALLOW HIM TO WORK THROUGH ME AND IN SPITE OF ME, I AM ALWAYS ON THE RIGHT TRACK AND DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT TOMORROW. GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF ME.

God has done amazing things in my life, because I allow him to lead. I'm always excited to see what he'll do next. His ways are often surprising and baffling, but always incredible and perfect.

Man, I am loving life right now. I'm soaking it all in, savoring every minute, storing memories and experiences that will last a lifetime. With God's help I'm building and healing relationships. I have become a positive influence in the world around me.

I'm blown away by the events of the past year. I'm blown away by the incredible gift of life and sobriety that I've been given. The world is my oyster, baby. Bring it on.

Six Months and Counting

Wow. It's really been six months since I've had a drink. I've been sober for half a year.

Has it been easy? In some respects yes, in others, hell no.

My life is in upheaval. I lost my job, and money is really tight. There isn't much out there for a lowly LPN. I'm facing the prospect of no longer being able to afford the medications that keep my fibromyalgia at bay. I'm thinking about how much pain I will be in when this cycle of meds runs out, and how quickly my health will deteriorate. This terrifies and angers me. I'm still pushing my way through school to get my RN, even though I don't know how I'm going to continue to pay for it. We're counting every penny, and just praying that we don't come up short.

Do I want to drink? Yeah, sometimes I do. When I start thinking too much and start to despair, I remember how a couple glasses of wine used to shut off my brain and stop the despair in its tracks for a little while. I think about how a little shiraz took the edge off my fibro pain so that I could move and function. I think about how a couple shots of Jag in the middle of the night enabled me to fall back asleep and stop me from tossing and turning in bed all night, worrying about the future.

Oh yeah, booze helped me through a lot of tough times.

But then I think of the other side of that coin: The horrible hangovers that only more booze could cure, ignoring my children because I was too drunk to deal, the blackouts, caring about nothing more than when I could get another drink. Drunken meltdowns, idiotic arguments, thinking I was in control and making sense, only to find out that I was acting insane. Spending food money on booze. Nearly getting my car repo'd or my electricity shut off because I spent the money on booze. Half-assing my job because I was so hung over I could barely function. Keeping my hands in my lap during meetings and care conferences because they shook so badly.

Homer Simpson said it best: "Alcohol: the cause of, and answer to, all of life's problems."

I choose not to drink. I choose to live. Right now life hurts, and feeling the burn sucks ass, but the alternative to feeling it is far more dismal to me than what I'm going through.

Two men in my home group committed suicide in the last week. Both had relapsed, and the shame they felt was overwhelming. I'm quite sure both were hammered when they made the final decision that they couldn't go on.

Alcoholism is deadly. Come hell or high water, I choose to live.

Long Time No See!

Hey. How ya doin' there? Yep, it's me.

Sorry I've been under the radar for a while... I've been doin' stuff. First, I'm starting school next week, going to get my RN. So I've been busy getting prepared for that. Second, and this is the Biggie.... drumroll please.... I finished my Fourth Step!!!!!

That's right, folks. The Supreme Empress of Procrastination got off her ass, dug in, and finished her 4th step. I did a lot of soul searching, really realized what my character flaws are, and how they've contributed to my resentments, fears, and harms to others. What a huge revelation. I was surprised at some of the things I learned about myself, especially about some of my motives.

Now that I know what these flaws are, I'm ready for the 5th step: admitting to myself, God and another human being the exact nature of my wrongs. I have an appointment to do this TONIGHT. I am going to admit to this person secrets I thought I would take to my grave. Then I am going to let them go and move on with my life. I'm actually going to light my chronicle of sins on fire and give them up to God as I watch them burn.

Funny thing: as I've been working on the 4th and 5th steps, I've come to the realization that I've been working the 6th, 7th, 10th and 11th steps also. I've become entirely willing to have God remove my flaws (6), ans as I list them, I've given some of them to him immediately (7), absolutely positive that I do not want the responsibility of harboring these cancers inside my soul a minute longer. As I learn and understand what my character flaws are and what triggers me to act upon them, I pay a lot more attention to how I behave and how I react to others throughout my day. I've started looking back at the end of the day, asking myself what I did well, what I sucked at, and if there's anyone to whom I owe an apology (10). As I'm doing this daily inventory, I'm practicing the 11th step by being in conscious contact with God.

It's strange, startling and amazing how this Program unfolds, how it comes together, how it REALLY WORKS when I earnestly practice the steps to the best of my ability. Progress, not perfection.

Another super cool thing: I got a new sponsor! She is fabulous, and she has time and energy for me! What's even cooler is that apparently we've been on eachother's radar since Mike and I started in our home group. We got together last weekend and talked nonstop for three hours. This is going to be a very symbiotic relationship, I think.

So... I'm starting to get a little nervous about laying all my garbage out in front of a total stranger tonight, but it needs to be done. I need to be free of the baggage of my past so thaat I can move on and grow without the weight of past sins.

Guess what's coming down the recovery pike, though??? Making my list of people to whom I need to make amends, and then putting my money where my mouth is and actually making those amends. Can I do it? Yes I can! Do I really want to? Yes and no.

Stay tuned... this is getting interesting.

Four Months

This sobriety thing gets easier as you go along.

I find I don't think about booze very often anymore. In fact, I had a technical glitch at work last week that made me FURIOUS. One of my coworkers said, "Wow, after that I'd need a stiff drink!" I kind of laughed, because that hadn't even crossed my mind as an option or a desire. The only thing that came to my mind was, "Man, I'd like a smoke!"
I guess that's what you'd call progress.

Here's a bummer: I'm sooooo stuck on my 4th step! It was easy to make a list of people I have resentments toward, and to work through that list to discover what my part in the situation was, what part of myself was threatened, and how I contributed to the negativity of the situation. I can be pretty objective about that stuff when I'm sober. Here's the really tough thing: Delving into my fears. What they are, why they are, how I feed them. I can't do it! I cannot face my fears! Don't ask my why. I can't look at my fears without becoming emotional.

Progress, not perfection. I just have to keep telling myself that... Progress, not perfection.

Three Months!!!

Yep, three whole months. And life just keeps getting better.

I had a nightmare last week, and it seemed so real that it freaked me out. In the dream, I was at a party and someone was encouraging me to have a beer. I finally gave in and slammed the beer. Instantly, in my dream, I felt ashamed, guilty, disappointed, sad, angry, lost. Somehow I knew I had to pick up my kids, and I tried to figure out a way to sober up before I went to get them. Then I started thinking about how I'd have to confess to Mike, my sponsor, and the whole AA club. I was so ashamed of myself. So ashamed that I'd thrown away the trust, belief and reparations I'd been trying so hard to build. I saw, in my mind, the faces of those I love: Mike, heartbroken; the kids, confused, sad and mistrustful... oh, the kids..... that's what broke my heart the most.

I was so thrilled when I woke up and figured out that it was a dream. But those horrible feelings about drinking lingered for a few days.

I am more committed than ever to stay sober, and to never go back to being the selfish, inconsiderate, mean, oblivious, over-dramatic bitch I used to be. I want my partner, my kids, my friends, my coworkers, my family to be proud of me, and to have confidence in me. I want to be known as someone who can be counted on, who follows through, who is available, gentle and inviting.

This is the person I'm becoming, and this is the person I want to be.

Thank you, God, for these last three months of awakening, thank you for serenity, courage and wisdom, and thank you for the continuing and increasing clarity and understanding.

Can't wait to see what happens next.

Two Months!

Today I have been sober for 67 days. Mike too. This last month was difficult on an emotional level, but we managed to stay sober.

Sorry I haven't been very good about the updates. I've been exhausted and uninspired for a month straight. I'm in the middle of another fibromyalgia flare-up, and it really, really hurts. In the past, I drank until it didn't hurt anymore. Now all I can do is take Tylenol, which doesn't even touch the pain. I won't take Lyrica, because it has addictive properties. That's the only drug out there that can touch fibro pain, or so I've heard. Thankfully, Mike understands my pain and exhaustion and is very gentle with me, protective of me, and very caring. I appreciate him more and more as time goes on.

By the way, I got my hair bleached out. I decided it's time for a little sun and lightness in my life. I'm turning in dark and dangerous for light and fun. I've been toying with the idea of going platinum blonde for a couple months, and decided now's the time. Pictures to follow.

I've also found that three meetings a week just do not fit into my lifestyle. I'm a busy single mom, and I have errands to run and appointments to keep, on top of caring for and nurturing my children and spending time with my partner. I'm finding that two meetings a week, and sometimes only one a week, is about all I can manage without totally exhausting myself. Especially now, when I'm physically feeling like crap and all I can think of at 4 PM is going home, putting on flannel jammies, and laying on the couch to watch TV and nap and try to regain some of the strength and energy that have been sapped during my work day. My sponsor aggrees that it's okay to fit the Program into your life, instead of making your life (and everyone in it) revolve around the Program. I've seen moms who are so engrossed in the Program, that their children are kind of getting lost. One plays Texas Hold'Em at the club several times a week until midnight or 1 AM, while her 5 yr old wanders aimlessly around the room, sometimes being called on to collect or hand out poker chips. I always feel bad for that kid. Most of his life is spent up at the Alano Club, and he is getting molded into his mother's program. I wonder if it's messing him up. When does he get to do kid things? Does he have any friends who aren't recovering adult alcoholics? Does he get to play with kids his own age?

Anyhow... enough of my musings. Life is manageable, even happy a lot of the time, and I am in recovery. Two months and counting.

Yuck, but I'm proud of myself too.

One thing I have learned: I have no clue how to deal with negative emotions without drinking.

A month ago, whenever I was hurt, angry, stressed, sad, whatever, I drank until the bad feelings went away. Now I have nowhere to hide, nothing to do but FEEL it. Ouch. It does not feel good. I don't like it one bit.

I had a crappy, stressful weekend that went from bad to worse and ended hideously. Last night, I just had to get away from the apartment to sort out my head. I could not sit there one more second.

I wanted to go to Big Louie's so bad... it was Karaoke night and everything... I wanted to go so bad I could taste the Jag running down my throat. I wanted to drink my anger, hurt and feelings of betrayal into oblivion like I always have. I almost turned into the parking lot.

Almost.

Instead, I went to the Alano Club and hung out with sober, recovering people for a couple hours. One of the ladies held me while I cried and even rubbed my neck, and then I watched a group of people play Texas Hold 'Em for a while. They invited me to play, but I don't know how.

Anyhow, all that to say that I stayed sober. Thank God, I stayed sober last night.

Things don't feel any better at home, but I am still sober one more day.