Long Time No See!

Hey. How ya doin' there? Yep, it's me.

Sorry I've been under the radar for a while... I've been doin' stuff. First, I'm starting school next week, going to get my RN. So I've been busy getting prepared for that. Second, and this is the Biggie.... drumroll please.... I finished my Fourth Step!!!!!

That's right, folks. The Supreme Empress of Procrastination got off her ass, dug in, and finished her 4th step. I did a lot of soul searching, really realized what my character flaws are, and how they've contributed to my resentments, fears, and harms to others. What a huge revelation. I was surprised at some of the things I learned about myself, especially about some of my motives.

Now that I know what these flaws are, I'm ready for the 5th step: admitting to myself, God and another human being the exact nature of my wrongs. I have an appointment to do this TONIGHT. I am going to admit to this person secrets I thought I would take to my grave. Then I am going to let them go and move on with my life. I'm actually going to light my chronicle of sins on fire and give them up to God as I watch them burn.

Funny thing: as I've been working on the 4th and 5th steps, I've come to the realization that I've been working the 6th, 7th, 10th and 11th steps also. I've become entirely willing to have God remove my flaws (6), ans as I list them, I've given some of them to him immediately (7), absolutely positive that I do not want the responsibility of harboring these cancers inside my soul a minute longer. As I learn and understand what my character flaws are and what triggers me to act upon them, I pay a lot more attention to how I behave and how I react to others throughout my day. I've started looking back at the end of the day, asking myself what I did well, what I sucked at, and if there's anyone to whom I owe an apology (10). As I'm doing this daily inventory, I'm practicing the 11th step by being in conscious contact with God.

It's strange, startling and amazing how this Program unfolds, how it comes together, how it REALLY WORKS when I earnestly practice the steps to the best of my ability. Progress, not perfection.

Another super cool thing: I got a new sponsor! She is fabulous, and she has time and energy for me! What's even cooler is that apparently we've been on eachother's radar since Mike and I started in our home group. We got together last weekend and talked nonstop for three hours. This is going to be a very symbiotic relationship, I think.

So... I'm starting to get a little nervous about laying all my garbage out in front of a total stranger tonight, but it needs to be done. I need to be free of the baggage of my past so thaat I can move on and grow without the weight of past sins.

Guess what's coming down the recovery pike, though??? Making my list of people to whom I need to make amends, and then putting my money where my mouth is and actually making those amends. Can I do it? Yes I can! Do I really want to? Yes and no.

Stay tuned... this is getting interesting.