Three Months!!!

Yep, three whole months. And life just keeps getting better.

I had a nightmare last week, and it seemed so real that it freaked me out. In the dream, I was at a party and someone was encouraging me to have a beer. I finally gave in and slammed the beer. Instantly, in my dream, I felt ashamed, guilty, disappointed, sad, angry, lost. Somehow I knew I had to pick up my kids, and I tried to figure out a way to sober up before I went to get them. Then I started thinking about how I'd have to confess to Mike, my sponsor, and the whole AA club. I was so ashamed of myself. So ashamed that I'd thrown away the trust, belief and reparations I'd been trying so hard to build. I saw, in my mind, the faces of those I love: Mike, heartbroken; the kids, confused, sad and mistrustful... oh, the kids..... that's what broke my heart the most.

I was so thrilled when I woke up and figured out that it was a dream. But those horrible feelings about drinking lingered for a few days.

I am more committed than ever to stay sober, and to never go back to being the selfish, inconsiderate, mean, oblivious, over-dramatic bitch I used to be. I want my partner, my kids, my friends, my coworkers, my family to be proud of me, and to have confidence in me. I want to be known as someone who can be counted on, who follows through, who is available, gentle and inviting.

This is the person I'm becoming, and this is the person I want to be.

Thank you, God, for these last three months of awakening, thank you for serenity, courage and wisdom, and thank you for the continuing and increasing clarity and understanding.

Can't wait to see what happens next.